I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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