no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
