Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
