i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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