Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
