I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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