Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
