Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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