I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
