After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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