Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
