Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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