Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
