when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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