so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
