so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
