I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
only if we run a train.
done.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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