I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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