She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
