Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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