I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
