Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
