420 ftw
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
