I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize