Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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