How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize