Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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