You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
