i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
