Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
