I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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