I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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