I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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