i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
