we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize