i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
