When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
