He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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