Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
