Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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