I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
