I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize