I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
babies were throwing up all over the place
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
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