Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
