I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
