Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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