I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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