Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's shark week go big or go home
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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