I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
