so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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