these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize