They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
