woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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