Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Is it penis luge time yet?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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