I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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