This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
