tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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