Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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