I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
