I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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