weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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