I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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