Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
