When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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