i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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