you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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